Today's Reward: Friday

I now know the meaning of weekend anticipation. Being a seasoned service worker for the past 10 years (restuarants, retail, bars, banks) weekends were always just another work day, and a Saturday off was a reason to celebrate. But I've always had those friends that talked about Friday like it was a mecca and the workweek represented the trek (looking for that word that describes a soul searching journey but the word escapes me) to get there. Friday is like a reward in a way. A reward for not blowing off work and calling in sick, a reward for getting things accomplished and having a night where you don't have to observe a bedtime, a reward for exercising after work and eating healthy lunches while meeting with colleagues and clients. And unlike Monday, which is a day of resetting, Friday is a day of reflection. A day to look back and say well on Wednesday when I was stuck in a bout of self-loathing that passed, and as predicted now I have the whole weekend ahead of me to behave & misbehave.

Hump Day is like a Mountain Range

Hump in the proverbial sense of hurdle, obstacle, or hill to climb.

Using this as a rant tool/vent tool while at work. Can't shake the idea that I'm not doing something substansial. Having the feeling of worthlessness. It's not like it every goes away there's always something in the back of my head comparing me to others and reminding me that I'm not good enough. It sucks, I've achieved quite a bit, worked hard for what I have, and treat people with fairness and kindness, yet I can't shake out these thoughts that fill my brain with insignificantness. I was reminded that from a previous dating site when others were asked what the "think" about and the answers were things like black holes and the state of the world. I think a lot about why noone wants me and why HR is a valid career and why the hell am I doing it. I think about others I know:

1. Graphic Designer for the NY Times
2. Adventure Camp Director (doing fun stuff all summer) with her husband, the love of her life
3. Friend that works to save endangered plants
4. Know a couple that bought a house; have done all their own renovations, are happy as hell, get tattooed together and seem so happy
5. My friend that's in love with my other friend, and has that to hold on to - fights fires in California
6. The brainy friend who has a cutey that is totally in love with her and parents who are close
7. The friend that's finishing medical school
8. The coworker that has a kick-ass girl, that just bought a house and asked him to move in while she finishes her PhD in the effects of global warming on earth & soil
9. The couple that's engaged, loves ferrets, love each other, and just bought a house in a cool neighborhood with other cool people
10. The neighbor that has a PhD teaches at State, has a bf in India that lives in DC and just bought a house on my block
11. The coworker who is happily married one year and is renovating her house with her perfect-for-her-mate
12. The friend that found what she was looking for in Grad School and is about to change her life - and work it all off in the process (no school loans)
13. The friend that is expecting a baby
14. The friend that just had a baby

All of this I envy. All of these people I compare myself to. Most of these people have careers that are contributing to the greater good of the world, rather than just keeping a business in operation and contributing to the bottom line. Then I ask myself, "What's so great about me?" Absolutely nothing, nobody wants me, maybe never will, and I'll become that crazy cat lady that only has her mother on speed dial.

Today is a day of self-loathing, it isn't frequent but it is predictable, normally once a month on a Wednesay before my period, which would be today.

There's Time to Kill to Tuesday

A day like today just screams, "WASTE EVERY MINUTE," because tomorrow it won't matter. Today was a day that I can reflect on when it's been several days since my phone rang and I'm wondering what party all my friends are at and why wasn't I invited. I can look back to today and say but wait I had three people tell me I'm Cool today. One person because she said she could totally picture me driving a Subaru Forrester, which I do. One person because I called the girl he likes too cool for school and he said I was too cool for school, and then another person just called to say have a great day, which makes me think he likes me. I don't know we'll see, but I sure hope he likes me, because I like him.

Mattress Monday

Mondays are my favorite day of the week. I am normally well rested, I like the conversations that revolve around weekend follies, and I view Mondays as restarts. Every Monday is like a reset, like pushing the start button on a stopwatch that will eventually reach 10, 080 minutes 0 seconds on Sunday at midnight, when the proverbial hourglass is again turned on its end.

On this Monday I experienced the following: Introduction to a new co-worker, she seemed light hearted, competent, and my first impression was a good one. I received one random facebook message that a friend had hooked up with a guy that I had already hooked up with, so now that brings our common escapades to the big number 2. Had the opportunity to provide advice based on my educational expertise, which felt good because I like to think I've earned it. Got tasked with a mini-project that will give me some good company exposure. Left the office before 5 and called my BF whom coincidentally sat two cars up from me in traffic. We chatted she invited me to her shop for a brow shaping and I left with a kick-ass American Apparel Ahpeele screen printed T.

Now that I'm home and Skillet has been out to pee, I sit on the sofa in the AC drinking a High Life and I wait. I wait for the mattress movers to bring my new set that I've wanted and needed for 9 months. While I wait I'm creating a playlist for my dear friend with the kickass Ts and beautiful salon space.

Finally I can fuck without the bed squeaking like a chew toy.