Using this as a rant tool/vent tool while at work. Can't shake the idea that I'm not doing something substansial. Having the feeling of worthlessness. It's not like it every goes away there's always something in the back of my head comparing me to others and reminding me that I'm not good enough. It sucks, I've achieved quite a bit, worked hard for what I have, and treat people with fairness and kindness, yet I can't shake out these thoughts that fill my brain with insignificantness. I was reminded that from a previous dating site when others were asked what the "think" about and the answers were things like black holes and the state of the world. I think a lot about why noone wants me and why HR is a valid career and why the hell am I doing it. I think about others I know:
- Graphic Designer for the NY Times
- Adventure Camp Director (doing fun stuff all summer) with her husband, the love of her life
- Friend that works to save endangered plants
- Know a couple that bought a house; have done all their own renovations, are happy as hell, get tattooed together and seem so happy
- My friend that's in love with my other friend, and has that to hold on to - fights fires in California
- The brainy friend who has a cutey that is totally in love with her and parents who are close
- The friend that's finishing medical school
- The coworker that has a kick-ass girl, that just bought a house and asked him to move in while she finishes her PhD in the effects of global warming on earth & soil
- The couple that's engaged, loves ferrets, love each other, and just bought a house in a cool neighborhood with other cool people
- The neighbor that has a PhD teaches at State, has a bf in India that lives in DC and just bought a house on my block
- The coworker who is happily married one year and is renovating her house with her perfect-for-her-mate
- The friend that found what she was looking for in Grad School and is about to change her life - and work it all off in the process (no school loans)
- The friend that is expecting a baby
- The friend that just had a baby
All of this I envy. All of these people I compare myself to. Most of these people have careers that are contributing to the greater good of the world, rather than just keeping a business in operation and contributing to the bottom line. Then I ask myself, "What's so great about me?" Absolutely nothing, nobody wants me, maybe never will, and I'll become that crazy cat lady that only has her mother on speed dial.
Today is a day of self-loathing, it isn't frequent but it is predictable, normally once a month on a Wednesay before my period, which would be today.
